Elderly parents need caregivers to protect them against telephone scams.

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(picture from Clipart) Oh that all familiar sound, especially at dinner time! We all get it, most of us avoid it. Deep down inside, all of us know it is just someone doing their job - calling to see if we need something or want to donate to some charity, lower our mortgage, get a better credit card rate, the list goes on. Unfortunately though, not all callers are legit. The news in our area has been ripe with telephone scams, mostly aimed at the elderly. So what can you do to help your parents?
Sometimes the elderly will answer a call and keep talking because the other person is 'nice' and they don't want to be rude. Mom would do this sometimes. Unfortunately, the longer they talk, the better chance the caller has to get your elderly parent involved in their 'deal'.
'Fraud.org' has a webpage to help you educate your parent on what to look for in a call, to determine if it is fraudulent. One is to remind them that not everyone is just trying to make a living - there are actually people out there trying to take their money, that free prizes or gifts are not always available, easy money is not easy. Here are what they consider to be the red flags:
•A promise that you can win money, make money, or borrow money easily;
•A demand that you act immediately or else miss out on this great opportunity;
•A refusal to send you written information before you agree to buy or donate;
•An attempt to scare you into buying something;
•Insistence that you wire money or have a courier pick up your payment; and
•A refusal to stop calling after you’ve asked not to be called again.
Seniors should also be reminded that:
•It’s illegal for companies that operate contests or sweepstakes to ask you to pay to enter or claim your prize or even to suggest that your chances of winning will improve if you buy something;
•It’s illegal for telemarketers to ask for a fee upfront to help you get a loan if they guarantee or strongly imply that the loans will be made;
•There is no reason to give your credit card number or bank account number to a telemarketer unless you are actually making a payment with that account; and,
•If you have to pay first before getting detailed information about the offer, it’s probably a scam.
Check mom and dad to make sure that they do not:
•Receive lots of mail for contests, "free trips," prizes, and sweepstakes;
•Get frequent calls from strangers offering great deals or asking for charitable contributions;
•Make repeated and/or large payments to companies in other states or countries;
•Have difficulty buying groceries and paying utility and other bills;
•Subscribe to more magazines than anyone could normally read;
•Receive lots of cheap items such as costume jewelry, beauty products, water filters, and knick knacks that they bought to win something or received as prizes;
•Get calls from organizations offering to recover, for a fee, money they have lost to fraudulent telemarketers.

What to do to help? Put their number on a do not call list and do the same for their cell phone number. Check their bank and credit card statements. Screen calls. Learn how to hang up.
Robocalls are similar; these are recorded messages, usually shows 'unknown' for a number if you have Caller ID or 'spoofed'. Of course, these are easier for people to hang up on. 'SeniorSavvy.org' also suggests registering your phone number with the National Do Not Call Registry @ 888-382-1222. Do not press any numbers prompted, even to disconnect, since that will tell them that this is a good number and they will continue to call. You can also check with Nomorobo to see if they can help you get their number off the list. If your parents seem to get a lot of calls, someone can keep track of those calls with a form from 'Fraud.org' - that way if you need to pursue some type of action, you will have a record. Click here for the form.

Ever wonder if you can care too much??

Caring.com shared a list of things that caregivers can get caught up in. We all know we care about our family, be it caring for elderly parents or a special needs child. Every once in awhile though we can get caught up in their life, making ours take a back seat. Totally understandable but we tend to forget - it is OK for us to have a life, get some of our likes, interests, friends, etc back to enjoy.
Take a look at their list and see how many you answer 'yes' to. Then take some time to carve out for yourself and tell yourself it is all right to have a life separate from those you are taking care of.

1 - You use words like "always" and "never" with regard to caregiving. You always have to be there or do something, no one else can. Watch out for burnout.

2 - Your friends seem to have stopped calling. Maybe you constantly turn down invitations because you feel the need to be by someone's side 24/7. Or maybe your conversations with people always revolve around caregiving duties. Take time with friends to clear your mind, get back to your interests, laugh some, drink some wine and laugh some more.

3 - You have a hard time remembering the last time you were happy. Do you feel overwhelmed? Can't find anything in the day to make you happy or smile about? You need to find something to give you the 'warm & fuzzy' feeling inside.

4 - Everyone assumes you will step forward to help. No one else steps forward because you are the one always doing something. Ask for help; unfortunately people will take advantage of your good nature if you let them. As someone once told me, "don't expect much from people and you won't be disappointed". Caregiving can be overwhelming and people know their lives will change big time so they don't want to get involved. Ask anyway!!

5 - You are overweight or out of shape. You need to take care of yourself first in order to best take care of someone else. Make sure yout eat well, take a walk, get enough sleep (your family member naps, you nap -- just like when there were babies around). When it comes to your well-being, be selfish.

6 - You can't remember the last time you took a vacation. Even if it is overnight somewhere local, take some time away. Have a relative or friend stay with your family member, check into respite services, call some assisted living communities in your area, some may take people in for a weekend while family takes a break. Check into 'short term stays', like this one.

7 - Your conversations always are about caregiving. See # 2. You need to get out!!

8 - You have no hobbies. Maybe it can be something you can do with your family member like baking, knitting, sewing, or scrapbooking (which has wonderful contributions for the elderly parent too), but also allow yourself break time - read a book, see a movie, go shopping. Get the grandchildren to come over and entertain.

9 - You can't sleep through the night. It may be because the elderly parent doesn't sleep and keeps you up. Maybe it is just stress or you are not feeling well. Somehow you need to get some rest. Here again, take a night off, try meditation.

10 - You dread waking up in the morning. If you feel spent and 'heavy hearted' as the article says, you need to get help. No one can be expected to do things all by themselves for a long period of time. "Nobody, not even the most well-intentioned, big-hearted, and selfless among us -- is meant to endure a tough situation all alone, day after day, year after year."

To read the entire post, click here.

Giving Love to Your Parents in the Way They Understand.

Role reversal - parenting the parent, an emotional time for both the adult child and the parent says "A Place for Mom". Parents feel embarrassed and frustrated as they find they cannot do things for themselves; adult children show a sense of loss watching their mom or dad deteriorate.

"Clearly, the role reversal that comes with with aging and caregiving strains the parent-child relationship and puts it on difficult and unfamiliar turf. Because the relationship between you and your parent has changed dramatically, you may need to explore new ways of expressing love and receiving love that are appropriate to you and your parent’s current position and transformed roles."

(picture from A Place for Mom) The website cites a book by psychologist Dr. Gary Chapman written in 1995, 'The Five Languages of Love'. There is something he calls the 'Love Language' that each person has - a way of giving and showing love. He says with relationships changing you may need to find new ways to show love to your parents. He asks adult children to think back to their childhood to see how their parents expressed love to them, to see how to express that love back. I wish I thought about this more when mom was around - I would get so caught up in all the day-to-day stuff with her situation and my own family and what they needed, I'm sure I could have showed her more love than I did. Although I knew she knew I loved her by the way she talked to other people about what I was doing for her, I could have 'said' more to her about how I felt rather than assuming she knew BECAUSE I was doing what I was doing.

Back to Dr. Chapman and his theory:
1) Words of Affirmation - some elderly parents need to constantly hear "I love you". So spread compliments and 'I love you' when you can, 'words of approval and affirmation'.
2) Quality time - spend some time when they can have your undivided attention, turn off phones, pagers TVs. Spend some time going to lunch or dinner, go shopping, or just sit and talk.
3) Giving and Receiving Gifts - he is not talking about accumulating 'things' but sharing things - sending articles that someone might be interested in, sending flowers, making sure you remember a birthday or anniversary or just because. Mom would sometimes get excited if I found something she used all the time on sale and bought her a few of them!!
4) Acts of Service - this is from the parent who used to do things around the house or favors for people. We all know caregiving is an act of service but maybe a spouse can fix something around the house or yard, change the oil in a car, mow the lawn.
5) Physical touch - maybe mom or dad was a hugger. Hug or hold hands, walk arm-in-arm. Again, something else I should have done more of.

Think back and see how your parents acted and maybe by acting accordingly, it might help your changing relationship. I know the times we did share a hug, it was like a physical release, a slowing down of what we were doing, a "it's all going to be Ok" (even though things were going downhill). Even at the end (mom was not talking, eyes closed - like a coma state), before leaving the nursing home, I would give her a kiss, say 'I love you. It will all be Ok if you want to go'. Her body and face would relax a little. I think it was her way of saying back 'thank you, love you too'.

Caregiver Apps.

A Place for Mom asked a caregiver writer, Ann Napoletan, to review some apps for caregivers that might help families. Ann had taken care of her late mom who had Alzheimer's. Just a little information before I list the 7 Best and Worst Apps: To support our fast paced lives, Americans are downloading mobile apps to help us track everything from our personal spending and productivity to our diet, exercise and mood. More than 44 million health-related apps were downloaded in 2012, so it should come as no surprise that apps for caregivers are a fast growing market. More than 50 million Americans care for an aging or disabled loved one a year according to a study by National Alliance for Caregiving and Evercare.

I will list the apps with the devices they are available for. Just click on this link to get the reviews. There are some costs in some of these but some are free. Read them carefully to see if any may help with your caregiving issues. I can also see these apps being very useful some someone taking care of a special needs child who may have multiple issues - may even be a great way to share information with a school nurse.

BALANCE: FOR ALZHEIMER'S CAREGIVERS -- iPhone & iPad: yes; Android & Webapp: no.
CAREGIVERS TOUCH -- iPhone & Webapp: yes; iPad & Android: no.
CAREZONE -- iPad & iPhone & Android: yes; Webapp: no.
CARING TIES -- iPhone & iPad & Android: no; Webapp: yes.
MOBICARE -- iPhone & Webapp: yes; iPad & Android: no.
RX PERSONAL CAREGIVER -- iPhone: yes; iPad & Android & Webapp: no.
UNFRAZZLE -- iPhone & iPad & Android: yes; Webapp: no.

Caregiving Skills.

(picture from the FCA website) I was thinking about my in-law's (both 91) and their situation as they help my father-in-law get back on his feet after some hospital and rehab stays. As they get visits from the Visiting Nurse Association (VNA) and their physical and occupational therapists ( PT and OT) to work with them, it reminded me of what the VNA did for mom and showed me how to help her with different aspects of daily life. I came across some tips on the Family Caregiver Alliance website that bears sharing. It has some great ideas on how to handle your elderly parent or whoever you are taking care of. I will copy it directly here because I do not want to miss anything.

**Approach from the front and retain eye contact. When assisting someone physically, do not approach him/her from behind or from the side. This can startle and confuse the person in your care, leading to increased levels of agitation and/or paranoia. Instead, approach from the front. Touch the care recipient on the shoulder, upper arm or hand, and tell them what’s going on. Use a calm voice to walk him/her through the whole process. For example, “Okay, let’s stand up. Good. Next, we are going to… .” Retain eye contact throughout the duration of the activity.

**Elicit your loved one’s help. Even when frail, your loved one might be able to shift his/her weight or move his/her arms or legs to make physically assisting them easier. Some examples are: “We’re getting ready to stand now, mom, so lean forward as far as you can,” or, “Can you move your leg, honey, so I can change the sheet?” A little help from them means a lot less work for you.

**Allow the person to finish what they’re doing. If, as a caregiver, you are running late, the tendency is to hurry your loved one, too. However, this rushed atmosphere is very difficult for care recipients, especially those who suffer from memory loss or brain impairment. Though you may try to sound calm and encouraging, it’s easy for loved ones to pick up our “anxious vibes.” So, even if running late, allow some time to finish the current activity before moving onto the next. For example, “Mom, after you finish that last bite of cereal, we’re going to get you dressed and ready to see your friends.”

**Utilize the major bone and muscle groups. When physically assisting a loved one, pulling or supporting them by their hands or arms is not only difficult, but may lead to injury for you and them. Instead, utilize the major muscle/bone groups.

**For example, when taking someone for a walk, stand directly behind and to the left of him or her. Place your left hand on their left shoulder, and your right hand on their right shoulder. In this way you are walking with your loved one in a comforting hug rather than pulling or pushing them. And when turning someone in a bed, utilize the large bones in the hip and shoulder, and the large muscles in the legs. Pull them toward you with your right hand over their hip or at the knee, and your left hand at their shoulder. Finally, when pulling someone to a standing position, it’s best to use a transfer belt (one can be purchased at any medical supply store for around twenty dollars).

**Once they are sitting at the edge of the bed or chair, pull up on the transfer belt, “hugging” your loved one close, again, utilizing their large muscle groups in the shoulders and the back. Remember to keep your back straight and to always change position by moving your feet, rather than twisting at the waist. And before going home from your next doctor’s appointment, ask for a referral to an occupational therapist who can help you develop your transferring skills.

**Allow for Their Reality. Remember to accept your loved one’s reality, even when assisting with a physical task. If, for example, your spouse becomes shy because he/she thinks that you are a sibling and doesn’t want to get undressed in front of you, don’t force the situation. Try leaving the room and coming back in a couple of minutes. Perhaps on a second or third attempt your spouse will recognize you and be amenable to your care. If all else fails, consider the situation. Is it an emergency? Changing a loved one’s soiled garments cannot be delayed. However, if a care recipient is being difficult and doesn’t want to take a bath or wash his/her hair on a particular day, that’s okay. Plan on doing it at a later time that day or the next day, when your loved one may accept your help.

**Finally, don’t try to physically assist with caregiving unless you can. Injuring yourself will not help the situation, and will often make your caregiving responsibilities that much more difficult. If you find yourself in a nonemergency situation where you are unable to physically assist your loved one (for example, after he/she slides from their chair to the floor) call your local fire department and request a “fireman’s assist.” They will come to your house and help you. If it is an emergency situation (where either you or your loved one are injured), contact the paramedics by calling 911.